WTF

Pissed off.
I am screwed.
Why am i going through hell.
Should i really bother about it.
I really don't care, but,
Why am i still bothered about it,
Alcohol is the best remedy to it !!!!!!,
I am back in the trap,but i know,
I would soon be out of it .
Where is lyfe leading to,
I am really clueless about it,
I have an idea about it,
but i anticipate it to be different,
because its not lyfe,
If its expected ,
Hope is the cause,
Driving the world,
Overcoming difficulties,
acheiving impossibilities,
Being Content.

PS: Random thoughts :)

Betrayal

Why do i shed tear,
When i know you cannot be near,
You wouldn't come to my life again,
Oh my dear, Oh my dear.


I know I have been betrayed,
banal were the moments which together we lived,
All the beautiful things were just faked,
I don't want to live, I want to be dead.


You are sole cause of my dejection,
Who moved me to heights of frustration,
I now regret for our relation,
Even if i ask you,you don't have any explanation.


All I do is now cry and cry,
I take drugs, Hallucinate , to substitute your high,
I don't have anything left,
I just want to die, I just want to die.


Though betrayed , I still love you,
You are my insanity,I want you,
You are the only one, Without you,
There is nothing that I can do



PS: Just an effort or try to understand the feelings of person who had a love failure :)

Great , Greater, Greatest :)

A sequel to my last blogpost.

An alcoholic high this time, though, not the marijuana. :)

Still in search of, what does it take to be great?

I am actually puzzled about how did Ayn rand had her thoughts a century back , which she published in her books!

We still get mesmerized by her books.

How did those thoughts come to her mind!!!

Did she encountered them practically or she saw it through her experience or she was one of the gifted souls.

I regret taking birth a hundred years later.

Its not about just Ayn Rand, it about a lot of people who started simple and ended up so great, so great, that they are a subject of talk till now.

I am talking about Aristotle, Socrates, Albert Einstien, Stephen Hawking, Ayn Rand, and a lot more till now.

What did they have and how did they evolve to get better and better, better than the best, not only of their centuries but the centuries ahead too, till the centuries which had those great people as their benchmark!!!

Will continue the subject in my next one . :)

LYFE....makes sense????

Sometimes I feel i will wrap and control the whole world on my fingers.My insatiable desires would be at my feet. I would make a difference. I have something in myself which separates me from the crowd.

Very next second , I feel very ordinary about myself, not making any f***** difference, involved in my own narrow world, with my dead monotonous lyfe.

What does it take to be great.?

I am still in search of it.

Sometimes if i feel the existence of God, i wonder how did he invent marijuana, which later was discovered by man!!!

Emotions fly from the positive side to negative and so is the Lyfe.

I am seriously clueless about what sentences my mind really wants my fingers to type and what exactly is being typed!!!

All i know is , i want to beat this world, the successful people , and want to leave them far behind .

PS: marijuana at its peak, forced me :)

Love :)

I have been in love with you,

I can do anything on this world for you,

You are the one thing i deserve life for,

you will last for me till my last breathe do.

From the very first moment i met you,

You are my insanity, i felt i really love you,

The moments i spent with you,

are the one i would never forget i know.

I am not so interesting and,

and you are not so beautiful either,

i don't care the concept of soulmates either,

but surely, we are made for each other.

PS: Marijuana after ages :)

Do we need to believe in God?

We all believe that we have took birth to do a certain task assigned to us by God.God has already decided our fate and lyfe and we adhere to it. We were in some other form in our last lyfe and would be in a certain way depending on the way we do good or bad in this lyfe.This is the principle written in Bhagvad Gita.

Belief in God is a sensitive topic and proving or disproving of it, reaching to a definite conclusion is very difficult.

But I am interested in giving my view points with respect to it and if people get offended by it, I apologize in prior for it.

1. personally I don't like to believe in God. It has a few reasons which might be wrong but let me put my points in a logic so that it makes some sense. As far as my experience is concerned, blind belief in God doesn't prove its point. The belief in humanity makes a bigger sense. If we are supposed to do any task which is blasphemous and it helps a lot of people in a very good way, then we should go for it, rather than backing from it due to our belief in God.

Humanity is greater religion than any other religion. Compassion should be the foremost priority rather than any other priority.

2. I have seen people who do all the malicious things in the world, that is, kill somebody, extort, kidnap and finally at the end of the day, pray to god to forgive their sins. God loses his significance there. If God should have exist, He/she should have been punished by God much early so that he/she shouldn't be commiting more malicious things and by not doing this ,God is allowing a lot of good people to be scapegoats.

3. If there has been one God, it would have been better to believe at. As there are so many Gods, hence so many religions, people killed each other in the name of religion and God , wanting to prove that their God is superior.People still kill each other and will kill each other in the name of God and religion.This is certainly bad. If there has been no belief of God, religions wouldn't have been there and hence ruthless killing of people hungry to prove the superiority of their religion wouldn't have been there.

4.Actually lots of great books teach a lot of good things to follow, but a lot of things in them have been misinterpreted and the people wage wars in the name of these sacred titles, to prove their ridiculous points.

5.If we are able to do things rationally,ensuring that people don't get harm by us, then it isn't mandate that, we should believe in God.

A girl :)

filled with your dreams,
you are my passion,
can't live with you,
do i need to mention.


The first time i saw you
i found myself in a magic spell,
lots of things to convey you,
but i sware,i don't have any guts to tell.



ohh my girl,i do see,
you have been changing the world around me,
There is nothing i can do,
I have been hallucinated by you.


You are my life ,
you are my zenith.
I only want to live with you,
give me just one chance , and i will prove it .


PS;few posts after being into TCS ilp. wrote most of them while i was feeling sleepy in the class :)

Optimism

A raindrop,
finding its way,
deep down in the sea,
to become pearl someday.



Live lyfe,
in your way,
give your best,
and don't care of what people have to say.



live your lyfe with lots of love,
and no room for anger and dismay,
have some passion, work on it,
and success will surely kiss one day.



Lyfe is bitchy,a few things happen your way,
and a lot of things the other way,
but live it as an optimist,
to live lyfe to the fullest.

Sea-shore

Sitting at the sea shore,
looking at the tides,
reminds me of the lyfe,
beautiful and wide.


One wave catches many other,
combines,joins and becomes bigger,
doesn't care of what it has,
hits the rock with all it has.


looking far at the sea,
where the water and the sky are same at the infinity,
God is such a wonder,
to design it with such a creativity,
is it reality or a reverie,
to be blessed upon with such a beauty.


Walking on the beach,holding hands, each other,
and waves hitting the legs often,
sitting at the sea-shore with her,
looking at the beautiful dipping of the sun.


God i owe you a lot,
for the nature so beautiful and so her,
i want this life eternally,
me , her and the mother nature.

Hope :)

Lots of things running in my mind,
lots of tasks to complete before i wind,
need an aim to live, hope i find,
before i wind, before i wind.


Should find a love,find a passion,
which would keep me happy and stunning,
Hope is the only thing which keeps me running,
doesn't matter you are losing or winning.


walking on the beach, hands in hands ,
with the girl i love,
Having a smoke, while reading the book,
at a place so isolated,
are the things which keep me spiritied.


Love the lyfe,because there is
nothing better than it,
live the every moment forever,
because its no worth,
feeling dejected about it.

Iam back

Iam pretty content though i havent been able to find a passion in coding, but its good, its logical , its deductive but its not artistic...
but anyhow after into TCS, i am trying to be a good reader. read quite a books after being here. Hope it continues :)

will be back with few blogs in near time :)

AYN RAND

We are generally asked by our friends" If you get a chance to meet any person of any time, whom will you meet",
some say " sachin Tendulkar".
some say john Abraham. Some say, mother Teresa. Some say Barack Obama. Some say bill gates. A few say " warren buffet"
I would say " AYN RAND".
She is the legend, born one in a million, according to me. It would be an overstatement, But if AYN RAND takes birth again , i would propose her, marry her and we will live happily ever after :)

The BOY

Hey back after long time. Its been quite a long time since I have blogged.

From past quite a days, due to different radical transformations happening in life, changes happening and those changes bringing again new changes reminds me of two completely different things.

firstly , darwin’s theory of evolution and secondly game theory. Both seem completely disjoint sets but they have hell of part in intersection. It can be applied to almost all the living organisms, all creatures in all forms, in their physical, meta physical forms.

Darwin’ theory very itself reminds me one line- the survival of the fittest. The strongest would survive. And the weak would bend.

Game theory can be defined as purposeful strategy for the desired outcome.

the human becomes the fittest by himself applying the game strategy with the people he is competing with , in various facets of life. Right from the school , he is forced to be the top performing student without considering even his area of interests. Then at the later stages he is forced to write an exam on every third day during every year from class 7^th. He is expected to perform best and the student in this rat race tries to involve himself, puts his effort at the best and sometimes in vain, starts rebelling with both , his parents and his thoughts. Though the student has not been applying game theory knowingly or unknowingly at this stage , but in the later stages of life, with being hit by various things, people, choices ,starts being manipulative, clever, aggressive and lot more and learns applying applying game theory.

After completing his schooling , he enters college, makes a good bunch of friends, some close , some distant, some new , some old, some good, some bad, some generous, some selfish. By the end of college, he narrows his friends list to a count of 6 to 8 , which he supposes them to be his life time friends.

Then after the college, he enters the professional field where he learns very much about what exactly people are and here he starts applying game theory after being stung quite a times. H then recollects that his friend list is narrowed to 2 or 3 as some of his college friends are now slowly out of touch. He starts scolding himself for being such a loser after having earned nothing much in terms of self respect, friends, recognition etc. He regrets often but gets carried away with many other things which makes him forget lot of depressing things about him.

The guy feels himself interested about a girl at work and he finds ways to impress her. At last somehow he manages and sums up all his effort to propose her, and amazingly the girl accepts his proposal. They guy after being such a loser till now, in his life, thinks of him being finally the triumphant. His relationship is now 2 years old and the relationship blossoms pretty well. Lots of calls, sms’s , outings , tourings , promises, and what not else. And suddenly the girl’s father gets to knew about this and he looks for another guy. The girl’s mother makes a suicidal note saying that if she marries anybody against her wish, she would kill herself. The girl bends here, and they girl parents strategies the situation for their desired outcome. The stronger wins.

Meanwhile the girl stops calling the boy and this guy goes crazy and nuts without her call. He gets to know about the situation. The girl asks the boy to forget about her. The boy goes mad. Here the girl being the stronger, unknowingly strategizes the boy with a desired outcome, not of her, but her parents. The girl gets married to a different guy and the boy is back alone again. He thinks of himself as a much bigger loser and has lost interest in life.He attempts for suicide and he fails. He considers himself the biggest loser on this earth.. The boy parents to make the boy feel better, tries to fix him up with marriage. And then with time, he tries becoming normal.

The boy is now somewhat better after his marriage. Now after 6 to 7 years of experience he earn 50 k per month, has two beautiful kids. He never finds himself perfectly happy, though not sad also.. The life just goes on with same pace, no surprises mundanely. He himself is complacent after considering himself , the biggest loser on this earth.

The boy being bad at moves of game theory, doesn’t become the fittest and hence bends .

PS; I even don’t know why I wrote this. No intention of writing it, but finally formed this way :)

LYFE... an Evergreen Forest

life has been black and white,
some dumb things happen,
and some did bright,
some serious issues happened,
and some super light.

I rather think life as a rainbow,
it is nothing but drops of water,
but when light falls on it,
its shows its heavenly beauty..
so we all are basically bright,
but its just that we need that light,
to fly to heights.

life is an evergreen forest,
cos there is always something to treat for,
life is a journey rather than destination,
cos there will be so many to look for,[:)]

Life just happens this way,
some things goes your way,
and most of the things the other way,
but see the life with a view of an optimist,
to live the life to its fullest.


PS: i wrote a poem after so many days. though my poems and blogs are so bad, still there is friend of mine who still likes it.(weird!)...This poem is dedicated to her on her birthday.happpy bday....keep livin lyfe[;)]

Pearl :)

A rain drop......
Finding its way,
deep down into the sea..
Thinking, it can be a pearl
someday...!!

Live life,
in your own way,
give your best,
and surely comes your day :)

FINDING NEVERLAND :)

Amar left to watch the movie , which was on due for long time. He was waiting for this movie from long time, and finally it hits on the screens. He just had one or two friends in the college. And after joining the job, he justs goes to office, does his work and leaves to home. He did quit alcohol as he didn't had any social companions to drink with. He thinks , alcohol is meant to be shared with the persons you are emotionally attached with, and he didn't had any after leaving the college. But he couldn't quit the cigarettes , because he feels cigarettes are the companions with whom you can share your solitude with.



His life was going routine and he was pretty ok with it. "Mighty heart" was really superb and it did really hit him right on the nerves. Why does this al qaeda and other groups do these things and what is their objective? Ruthless killing of people for their demands.His mind started wavering. When would the world be filled with peace, joy and happiness, with no bloodshed killing.Why does always good people have to be the victims.



He was completely driven to thoughts while driving and couldnt see on the truck coming from the far end, and when it came really close, His nerve impulses started responding and showing reflex arcs. His body was in a mixed reaction. Some of it felt," its too close now, give it up". Some of the other though knew it was pretty close, wanted to put up last effort or the last attempt for rescue. And so due to all confusion and vain effort, his bike thrashed to the truck.He felt a hard blow on his head, and thought that he is about to kiss the death. He just wanted to rewind and go back to see what has he had done till now, before kissing the death. He remembered him being the class topper once, his parents which he could never forget and then his college friends then his job. Thats it. He pitied himself for having such a worthless life.He was skeptical about missing something, and he did. Suddenly her beautiful face stroked on his mind.She was the most beautiful phase of his life.beautiful, elegant,sensitive, charming and ...he was looking for words to describe her.But he couldn't imagine they being parted. They were together for two years and then after the college, she was forced to marry some other guy, and Amar couldn't do anything. He lost the elixir of his life. His life without her was pointless.Aah, the time was over , the death came.It kissed sweetly, cuddling him to sleep forever. He thought death would be a hard thing to happen , but it wasn't.


You have done no good, and u don't deserve to be there anymore. He responded instantaneously, I don't want to. Its really bad. There is no worse hell than that.I couldnt get one thing i really lived my life for, and i don't want to be back on that hell anymore.
He felt somebody hitting on his face, and tried to opening up his eyes. It was his parents. His mother was crying and daddy was trying to keep him in conscious. He was taken to the operation theater and this time, he fought with death and emerged victorious. he didnt had any cause to live for, but had hope . His life was at worse now, and there is always something better than worse. He had hope of something better in life. God is really crazy and so is our fuckin heart . It can find the Never land. It can make anything possible. Who knows, he may find the spirit of his life again. May be not in the same form, but something different.



PS: three or four days back, i along with my friend were talking about unexpected death, And this crap came out of that. :)

Being a TRADER

Thanx giving continues and so is my holidays.
Seeing that, there is nothing in particular to write about, i felt like writing about my profession.

I am a Derivative trader cum analyst in one of the leading trading propriety firms in the the world, which by the way in India, no one has any kind of idea about.Everyone knows about Google, Satyam, infosys, TCS but no body knows about Goldman sachs, Duestche bank,J P morgan or Futures First.
Trader sounds so weirdo in comparison with software professional or software engineer which almost 75% of the engineers are destined to become after their engineering.Only the name tag differs over there. Let it be Google, oracle, Infosys, microsoft, IBm or anything.
I was recruited for almost similar kind of job at TCS .

CODING.
the name itself sounds to invite millions of problems. C, C++, JAVA, JAVA++(does JAVA++ exists??). Every day a new version or new babykind of its own with more flexibility and with much bigger complexities.
I guess i have made a pretty good decision by opting to this life of being a trader rather than being a software professional.
Trading life is in fact not always a cake walk. Its in fact comparable or analogical with an equilibrist on a tight rope.It sometimes looks as if u r a disgusted moron,dumb ass , frustated with life. Sometimes it also makes you feel top on this world, The hero of this era.
It makes u feel the extremity , roll a coaster journey without u being anything experienced in personal.In fact, your emotions go that strong that you generally don't feel the emotions. I mean to say that even the big problems looks pretty simple ones after the hard days of trading. It makes u to look on your mistakes faster and learn from it. It says , there should always be a "learning" from mistakes. convert your mistakes to opportunities.

Its really great being as a trader. Considering the tags aspect here too, the Google's, yahoo's and Microsoft's of this profession are Goldman Sachs,J P Morgan, Morgan Stanley and quite a few.
A recent news in some paper and articles made me feel proud about being a trader.

1. Deutsche bank, one of the leading investment banks, had a loss of 5600 crores in the last quarter made by 14 traders(only 14...toooooo much) which is almost 5% of indian GDP in one year.
2. If Top four investment firms, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley , Meryill lynch, Duetsche bank close up, The US economy would collapse and would go into immediate recession and will take atleast three months to recover from recession.when the Big daddy turns sick, the whole family too. It will hurt the most of the nations, which has acquisitions with US.Which implies almost every nation would get affected.where as thats not the case with yahoo and google's.It will have impact, but definitely not as big as by these investment firms. The world's money lies here. and this all is controlled by hardly 200 to 250 traders who hedge over billions of dollars everyday. They "make" the money.
so i want the power to be driven from my side. Though i have shown you zoomed up part of this version, i still want something of this similar in the future lying ahead :). probably the greatest Loss maker of Deutsche bank or Goldman Sachs. :)

CATia 08 :)

Thanx to the thanksgiving celebrations in London , New york, Frankfurt and all over, i got four days off in a row.Finally could find a time for myself :) . Its been quite a happening week. I just got over a sweet haunting,been waiting for this day from past year, but grapes are sour again.

CAT....
I guess this would be my second girlfriend through out my life, though the first one always tends to changes every now and then. I keep trying to propose her, sometimes, through weekly practice on Sunday, sometimes waking up late nights watching movie and finding new ways , new strategies to make her convince that i am good enough for you. And after a kind of("kind of" because if u really work hard enough with your heart, every thing on this bloody hell[earth] is possible, may it be president ship of USA, may be being the richest or anything, is possible) hard work which i very rarely do, I guess i got rejected by her again.(though results aren't out, i am kind of convinced that none of the seven gals will accept my long heard proposal).
There is always something special in this gal friend of mine. Every year, it dresses in new way, throwing surprises, sometimes shocks, and i am weirdo who loves surprises and shocks(though haven't handle it any good anytime.)
Hope to throw out my laziness and put my bum on the chair to work hard enough to make me good enough to stand along with her next year:)

leave stub and live lyfe :)

leave it, throw it,

come out of it,

hurts you, kills you,

why is it a habit??

you are dying,

you arent living,

then whts the point in trying??

you are a moron,
you really suck,
come on, come out of this junk.

would you live with it and die,
to get momentary high,
or get out of it,
and make it really high.

dont look for the reasons,
to get rid of it,
instead get rid of it,
and make the life an eternal autumn season.

Heart :)

crumbled into pieces,
i need to make a way of own,
its so hard to start on,
but i know, if u have for it,
u gonna definitely make it smart.



phases and changes are very much required,
when in , by life, you r fired,
so think of the changes as the optimistic notes,
u have been carrying in your memoir,
which later become moments to cherish upon.



things are best done,
when u put ur heart in to it,
so, give ur best shot to it,
cos, one shot do not miss the chance to blow,
opportunity comes once in a lifetime, u better know.